In the middle of the street

All the same people that I hung out with in high school still hang out together. I know this because Facebook told me so. I don't know why this surprises me so much, or why it leaves me with such a weird sense of melancholy, but the idea of going "home" for the holidays to a place where the people you grew up with are waiting to see how you've been is a weird, foreign idea that I don't know if I've ever experienced. I guess I never really felt like I was a part of anywhere until I moved back up to Minnesota after high school. Then, all of a sudden, there was community pouring from every bar and coffee shop I walked into. And, of course, St. Kate's. Seriously, that college...

Of course, this will all come across as ungrateful for the people I have in my life now, for the people that mean so much, for the people that I've known in the past that I just seem to have lost track of. Its not as though growing up was a waste (holy shit would that be hard to stomach), or that I don't think about how weird and cool it would be to go back someday. But honestly, I don't know what I'd do once I got there.

Its just pretty weird to turn around one day and be 25 years old and in law school and have more or less everything figured out and placed into a poorly wrapped box. I guess I just thought it would be a lot easier by the time I got here. Or at least easier to figure out.

I fucking hate holidays.

Get over yourself.

I am somewhat concerned about the path the my alma mater is taking these days.

I have always been accused of being not enough of a vigilante, not radical enough to be a real feminist/lesbian/queer/insertliberallabelhere, but at this point I believe it to be a strength not a weakness.

I am certain that I can continue to claim ultra liberalism, can continue to live my life as I am, without persecuting those around me for the inability to understand fully how it is to walk in my shoes.

Because I am fairly certain that if I were to do that, I would, in effect, merely be doing the exact same thing that I purport to be rioting against.

Self-righteousness and hypocrisy are so 1991.

I can feel this heart beating

I'm having one of those days.

I woke up anxious. I'm still anxious. I'm tired but jittery. Its not a good feeling.

Mostly right now I'm panicking that my friends don't like me anymore. This is not meant as a passive aggressive attack on something that someone has done, because no one has done anything. I've just more or less fallen off the face of the earth, and even though I tried to explain that this was going to happen, I feel drastically left out when I hear stories of shenanigans and good times happening all around me.

I'm fairly certain that the only person that can understand this is Mucha. I keep hoping that she'll tell everyone else that I'm not just being an asshole, that really I'm actually busy, and freaking out, and anxious because I can't lose my scholarship.

I'm panicking because I don't want to lose all my friends just because I have to study every moment of every day, and in the moments that I don't, all I want to do is watch T.V. and lay on the couch.

I'm panicking because there's only 6 weeks until exams, and I feel drastically under prepared and every day that goes by I feel like there's more that I could have done and didn't do.

I feel like I'm gonna barf today.

Thank you for your message but I don't understand

I had this initial thought that I would write blogs a couple of times a weeks about all the trials and tribulations of law school but as I've actually gotten caught up with the trials and tribulations of law school, I haven't had much time to write about it.

All the things they warned me about are turning out to me true. Even as I write this, I am acutely aware of the fact that the possibility of each of the 59 other people in my section will read it and know of my growing anxiety about all that is law school. I didn't used to care so much what other people thought of me. I think I'll stick with that theory as long as I can keep it in my grasp.

What's interesting is that I actually really like it. Like, a lot. I like reading the cases. It's like getting to read little stories all day long about how some policy or law came to be. For a political science nerd, it's like a little tiny slice of heaven. But the pressure that surrounds every single little thing, the awareness that fucking up at any moment could be the end of your academic life, is a little more than I had bargained for.

Also, people take themselves WAY too seriously in law school. Like, I'm all about being respectful and being a tactful and classy person (what am I if not classy?) but I am not a serious person. You know this. I'm not a jerk off, but I just don't think that the way to win friends and influence people is to act like you're smarter than them all the time and that you have nothing at all to learn. I feel like I have so much to learn that its obscene. Every day I go to class, I go away learning only that I have so much more to learn. It's a really weird cycle.

Mostly it's the scholarship pressure that's getting to me. Grades = scholarship. Scholarship = continuing law school. I don't know if other people in class are in quite the same situation as I am. It's not like I can just whip up $20,000 from nowhere if I lose my scholarship because I can't get good enough grades. And it's not like getting these grades is just a walk in the park. I've done the math. It's about the top 30%. The amount that I think about this fact is ridiculous.

I have to say, though, that having men in class is way less weird than I thought it would be. One of the closest friends I've met is a guy, which is actually really refreshing. It's weird to have gone from tons of guy friends in high school to a virtually man-free existence in college. I thought it was going to be a much stranger transition but in the end they're just regular old people.

Who knew?

The lack of time is pretty strange. When I'm not doing stuff for school, I'd rather just be doing nothing at all because I'm tired of thinking and interacting and answering and questioning. This is hard to explain to friends, especially when I really want to hang out I just have no energy to do so.

In the end, I know I'll figure it out. What's the alternative, right? That's what I always say to everyone else. Either do it or don't. It's a means to an end. For tonight, I'll just read some more Contracts and sleep past 7 for the first time in too long.

I'm like a lawyer with the way I'm always trying to get you off

And so it begins.

Today is my first day not working at Financial Aid; it is my first day attempting to do law school activities. I'm convinced that those around me are more nervous about it than me, but that may just be my 24 year old naiveté. Or denial.

I'm beginning to think its the latter.

So, I'm sitting in Kopplin's Coffee Shop which, by the way, everyone should visit because its the best coffee in the city by far. Seroiusly. I'd go as far as to offer you reimbursement for your mocha if you get it here and don't like it. I can't tell you why its so much better, exactly, but holy shit. Its worth the trip even if you live in Maple Grove.

Anyways, I'm about to start my orientation homework, which is sort of funny to think about but logical if you understand that during my 4 days of orientation, there is a Legal Methods class.

That's right, class during orientation.

I'm actually really excited about it all. I haven't been without a job since I was 18 years old, which is scary as fuck, but its an amazing opportunity to be able to focus solely on school. I don't feel like I've ever really given anything 100% (personal relationships excluded, I suppose) so I'm pumped to see what I'll be like at full throttle.

Everyone I've talked to that's been in law school has said that the thing they hate about it (or one of the things, depending on who you ask) is how competitive everyone is.

This makes me chuckle.

I am one competitive MFer. I don't care if its hopscotch we're playing, I want to beat you and I want it to be a decided victory. I honestly don't know if this will be a help or hinderance, but I know that its something that isn't gonna change so I might as well go with it.

So, yeah. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Wish me luck.

The life I love is makin' music with my friends

I can't control my excitement any longer.

In t-minus 28 hours, we will be on the road, destined for things unknown and a little town I like to call CHICAGO.

Why, you ask? Well apparently you live UNDER a rock because if you lived TO rock you would know that this weekend is Lollapalooza. For three glorious days, hundreds of bands with tantalize my ear drums and my senses will be shaken with all that is fantastic and wonderful.

Jealous?

You should be.

See, Wanda told me that her and Mucha were going to Lolla a long time ago. I was mildly interested. Then, the day the bands were announced, I got the best email in a long time:

"you must go see who is playing lollapalooza".

And I did.

Ben Harper.
Pearl Jam
Regina Spektor.
G. Love.
About a hundred more fucking amazing musicians.

But seriously, anyone who thought I was going to pass up the chance to see Ben Harper and Pearl Jam headline a festival obviously don't know me in the least. Its as though the acts were specifically designed for my personal taste, and I couldn't snub the music gods by missing out.

Making the trip even more glorious is the team we've compiled to go. In addition to the dashing Kari, Kato, Snooby, Wanda and Mucha will all be making this trip. Me, Kari, Kato and Snoobs leave tomorrow right after work. In my parents' car. Which is way nicer than our car.

I'm sure this is all coming across as somewhat boring or commonplace, but I assure you that if you could just understand the excitement welling inside me, you couldn't help but feel it, too. Not to mention that its like the last hurrah before law school, so I plan to make the most of it.

Fuck yeah.

I'm Gonna Write You a Letter

You know what bugs me?

The Homo Acronym Phenomenon. We'll call it HAP. Heh.

So, in order to be inclusive (or exclusive, depending on who you ask) at some point in history, a little ol' acronym of LGBT was created. It stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender but even this is controversial, as it is sometimes listed as GLBT (when the boys want to go first).


Now, the best part is that this little acronym has now morphed into a full-on attack of letters. At its "most inclusive" (really?) is can stretch all the way to LGBTTTIQQAA, which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Transexual, Two-Spirited, Intersex, Queer, Questioning, Asexual and Allies.

Do not get me started on Asexuality as a legitimate sexual orientation. Seriously.

Also great about the acronym game is the fact that it changes based on who you ask, so a Q to one person may mean queer but to another means questioning. Wikipedia argues that people in Minnesota prefer the GLBT as opposed to the LGBT, but I'm not sure of the basis.

Now, all of this ranting is obviously going to come of as being "intolerant" (we'll get to my hatred of the term "tolerance" at another time, I think I've used up my tangent quota for the day) or not inclusive enough of every member of this here queer community but really its just an annoyance of the extreme-ness that inclusiveness has come to. I genuinely want everyone to feel welcome, but Jesus H. Are you being serious with the fucking 11 letter label?

The absolute IRONY of the whole thing is that the very people that "we" are working to include in this ridiculous label don't even want the inclusion. From my understanding (which is not first-hand, so quit fucking asking), trans-people don't necessarily feel as though their cause is the same as that of the lezzies and gays (and the damn Bisexuals too, fuck!). So it seems pretty funny to me that all this work is being done to include those that don't want to be a part.

Of course, I don't mean that we shouldn't all work together and hold hands and love and support and sing Kumbaya. Seriously. In the greater "Queer" community, I certainly believe that we should support as much as possible, whenever possible. But I KNOW that problems within the community are not being solved by adding another fucking letter to an already-ridiculous group of letters.

So quit correcting me when I say LGBT. Just call me old school if it helps you sleep at night.

I'm not being radical when I kiss you; I don't love you to make a point

"The negative influences on the gay culture are being promulgated by people who are widely known to be gay and who continue to act as if it's a topic of non-discussion. I'm thinking specifically about people like Jodie Foster and Anderson Cooper. They're gay, but never talk about it. They are perpetuating the notion that being gay is a secret shame. We still respect closets far too much in this society. I'm very proud of the fact that Ian McKellen once asked me if I thought he should come out, and I said yes--and he's credited me with that. I tend to be a little cheeky about this topic because I think it's important--there are teenagers still committing suicide over their sexuality."

- Armisted Maupin
http://www.7x7sf.com/people/profiles/7555377.html



I don't really know what to think of this.

There's all sorts of theory racing through my head, and every bit of it conflicts the other.

On one hand, I disagree. I am adamant in my belief that not everyone should have to be a poster-gay, and no one should be forced to disclose things about themself (grammatically incorrect yet gender inclusive? I choose yes) that they are not ready for.

Yet, I don't know that this is Maupin's argument.

Whether or not they choose to acknowledge it, by virtue of the society in which we live every single person is assumed to be straight unless they explicitly say that they are not. Jodie Foster and Anderson Cooper are only the most glaring examples of this. All the kids in the gay community are sitting in their armchairs, watching CNN, knowing that Coops is a friend of Dorothy, yet if I were to bring this up to someone else (a non-gay, of course) it would not only be absurd, but offensive.

And this is where I have the problem.

See, if its a negative to assume that someone is gay, then we can just use our seventh grade algebra skills to realize that it is also negative to actually be gay. So when I say, "Oh man, look at that lez over there" and Sally Straightfriend says "You really shouldn't assume she's a lez," I get real, real offended.

Why shouldn't I assume? People assume I'm straight all the time, and that's just fucking weird. Like its such a bad thing to assume a person is a homo? Even if I'm wrong, I can just be like, "Oopsy, I mean, how's your boyfriend Linda, my bad." No harm, no foul.

So, even though they may not mean to, I have to agree with Maupin when he argues that "they are perpetuating the idea that being gay is a secret shame." I sincerely doubt that this is their reasoning for not coming out. I have to assume that Jodie Foster is cool with her sexuality, and just doesn't really feel like talking about it all the time as the only facet of her identity.

But, that doesn't change the way it is perceived. Is this her fault? Certainly not. Is it her job to fix it? I'm not really sure. If you know that what you're doing is hurting a community that you're a part of, then to continue doing it seems odd, but I also realize that to come out would be pretty much putting the camera on only that for at least the next 4 years, after which is will always be mentioned before anything actually worthwhile. What used to be "Oscar-winning actress" will now forever be "Lesbian Oscar-winning Actress". And that's just fucking annoying.

So what's a gay to do? Get pissed off when the media outs people? Get pissed off at people for not being out? Stop reading stuff that once out-ed someone before it seemed they were ready, or stop watching movies that ohmygodyou'reobviouslygay people are in until they fess up? It's doubtful that any of this would do any good.

See, the problem is never the staff writer at the NY Post or Jodie Foster. Its the society that places so much value on being straight, where so much excitement is caused by knowing whether or not someone is a homo. How do we fix that? I'm fairly certain that Maupin's argument is that you fix it by normalizing it, and with that I have to agree. If it was never a big deal when someone came out, then it would never be a big deal if someone stayed in, either.

So, you know, keep that in mind.

Shame about it

So I didn't know it, but apparently I had my settings to where comments were closed to non-blogspotters. So, I fixed it. So, you know, comment away.

My previous post has caused my little Google smart advertisement thingy to now link people to an extremely conservative website. Its right over there -> if you want to check it out.

I think its hilarious.

Because I feel like (even though I'm arguing with myself about these things, apparently) the obvious link from my arguments against yOmama are to say Bad Liberal! and shove me away from anything having to do with the Party. But my whole problem is that he's not my kind of guy, and if I'm being honest I think he's getting a free pass on a lot of issues because he is a person of color, which I think only serves to hinder anti-racist action.

But, we can move on. For now.

I'm on John Edwards' email list, and apparently its his birthday on Sunday. His wife (who I think is brilliant) wrote today's email, promising that if I donated to the campaign that I would receive her (or perhaps his, I can't remember which) Granny's Pecan Pie recipe as a special birthday week perk.

How cute is that?

Little John is from North Carolina, after all.

Apparently, there's also a link to a video in which Johnny's aids attempt to make said pie, with dismal results. Obviously, men are not good at such things. We'll have to leave the cookin' up to the women-folk.

Whatever. I'd rather talk about The Sopranos.

If you don't watch this show, you are depriving yourself one of the simple pleasures of life. By simple, I mean extremely violent and perhaps derogatory toward Italian Americans. Still, this shit is exciting, and it sucks you right in.

You think Phil will off Tony? Its a good thing he went to sleep with that automatic weapon. Never know what's lurking. I'm pretty sad about Bobby, he was my favorite character since his driving days. Killed by the model trains...how poetic. David Chase is a schmaltzy television genius.

I hope he makes a show about the lesbian mafia next.

What good is a cynic with no better plan?

Anyone watch the Democratic debate on Sunday night?

Yeah, me either. It was during the Sopranos, after all. More on those crazy gangsters another time.

Even though I didn't, you know, watch them, I have caught most of the debate action on YouTube, and the massive amount of commentaries done since then and I have a few comments of my own.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again (and again). I truly believe that Barak Obama is just an eeensy bit full of shit. For all this rockstar cred that just magically fell into his lap, I have seen very little actually backing it up.

Now, I'm a big fan of nicknames, so please know that when I refer to him as yOmama, it’s out of love for the Party, not hate for the dude. I really do think he's a good guy. A good Senator. A good basketball player. A great father, I would imagine. Just not the best person to be the next President of the United States.

Why, you ask?

Well, I'd be happy to oblige.

First, and probably on the average voters' minds the most, is the Iraqi War. yOmama insists on saying, over and over again, that he has been against the War from the start. Yet, he was not even elected to Congress until 2004. It’s a pretty easy place to be sitting when every other candidate in the race, save Dennis Kucinich, either voted for it or wasn't in Congress. I mean, I don't know how much foreign policy was being hashed out in the Illinois State Senate. Just sayin'.

Next, he said this really annoying thing about immigration on CNN one day. I can't find that exact interview, but here's him explaining his stance at a town hall meeting. http://youtube.com/watch?v=wxZdEJdh8ss

Now, you may be tricked. That's my whole problem with yOmama. He's a great public speaker, and he is brilliant at presenting his views in a way that hides his actual intentions. He starts out by saying that immigrants are extremely important, that virtually every American is an immigrant unless they're Native, blahblaahblaaaaah.

This all sounds great.

Empowering!

But wait for step 3.

That's when he explains that he is most certainly not for amnesty, and illegal immigrants that want to start on the "path" to being a legal citizen will have to pay fines, learn English, and wait close to ten years before being legal.

What, Mr. Senator, are they to do until then?

Now, there are other issues, certainly. The gay thing is sticky (heh.) because none of the candidates are where I'd like them to be. But, when he says, "I personally believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. But I also agree with most Americans, including Vice President Cheney and over 2,000 religious leaders of all different beliefs, that decisions about marriage should be left to the states as they always have been," it makes me laugh in my head. Leave it to the states? What, you're a Republican now? Convenient time to believe in states' rights...

My point is this. I feel like Obama gets this eternal free pass as the most liberal legitimate candidate, and I just don't think this is true.

None of the candidates are left enough for me (at least the ones that have a chance of getting nominated), but Obama has this knack of agreeing with whomever he is speaking to.

I don't want a yes-person.

I don't want someone who figured out the trick to the game.

I want a genuine person whose ideas will change the way that politics are being played in this country.

Is that really too much to ask?

Look at this photograh, every time I do it makes me laugh

I really hate blogs/personal websites with way too much HTML.

I'm not even talking about the 14 year old girl variety with a million pictures of pop stars and annoying songs in the background. These I can brush aside as part of the awkward phase.

But, if you're old enough to live somewhere other than your parents (even if you're not actually doing so), you need to cool it with the fucking sparkles and songs and pictures. Especially if you aren't good at writing HTML because it just makes it suck for the rest of us.

See, I have a speedy connection. At work, at home...its not me making this shit hard to load. So just think what you're doing to the poor saps with dial up by putting every single picture of Hinder or Nickelback that you can find right there on your page so that everyone can know just how awesome your musical taste is?

I'm just saying.

As a sidenote, Tegan and Sara's new album got leaked. Go to http://blogs.usatoday.com/popcandy/2007/06/tegan_and_sara_.html?csp=34 if you want to hear some of it. Thank my sister when you see her for alerting me to this joyous, yet SucksToBeTandS situation.

You Proably Think This Blog is About You

I am obsessed with looking at things that piss me off.

I watch the 700 Club far more than a far left lesbian ought to, I read Ann Coulter's blog as much as any other, and I can honestly say that I've watched more Fox news than is healthy.

What reminded me of this weird penchant was www.mollygood.com.

Seriously, I just stumbled across this rambly piece of shit, yet now I can't stop looking. She (They? It?) bashes on Rosie, which you will quickly learn is a big no-no when in my company (Polkey learned this the hard way), makes fun of celebrities but not in a hilarious Perez Hilton sort of way, but more of a whiny, holier than thou sort.

I get really mad when people talk about how celebrities should stop complaining about the complete lack of privacy. The rationale is always that they should have known, or that they make so much money that it shouldn't matter, or that they're biting the hand that feeds them. Even when I assume all these things are true, it still must suck a lot to be constantly followed by a weird dude with a camera. Just sayin'.

Not to mention, even if I can sit here and KNOW that a lack of privacy is part of the celebrity deal, there's really no way to understand the ramifications of that until you're too deep in it to change it. I figure that those who are pissed at celebs about this are really just jealous, because after all, if I were a celebrity, I'd be a little more grateful blah blah blah. But really, after a while, after the awesomeness of the fame and money have become commonplace, all thats left are the stalker paparazzi and the annoying fans who wont even let you drink coffee without wanting a piece.

Dammit.

I wish I was famous.

I've got all my sisters with me!

Okay, first, a little housekeeping.

Its obvious that I've moved over to Blogspot. Don't panic, all three of you, its better for everyone, I swear.

In other news, my dad has begun his own blog: The World is Run by Those Who Show Up

Feel free to make fun of him for the ridiculously long acronym in his web address. And anything else, really. Just keep in mind that he's a business guy, so any working knowledge that you have of passtimes in which he may partake should perhaps be left inside your head. You dig?

Feel free to also read my sister's blog as well, she's pretty funny lady.

Heh, I just called her a lady.

Anyways, its at (Often) Pedantic Musings

Okay. Actual blogging to ensue shortly.

Keep on keepin on.

The First Cut is the Deepest

The amount of times that I have moved my blog is certainly not lost on me. How will I ever become a famous web personality if no one can find me, you ask? Well, don't you worry, my friends. I've linked it back as far as the eye can see.

Regardless, every time I would try to write a blog on MySpace, I would accidentally click something and it would all erase. Doing this 5 times can really piss a person off. So, now that my pops has joined up (twirbtwsu.blogspot.com), and my sister and brother-in-law are already here, I figure, why not do it up?

I knew you'd agree.

Anyways, in my quest for continual transformation, I've promised myself that I'll do this more often. So, you know, you're welcome.

The best part is that you don't even have to be a member of Blogspot to comment, just try not to make it anonymous, unless its gonna be real mean, so that I don't have to feel too personally attacked. Cool? Cool.